If you’ve survived narcissistic abuse, the word “boundaries” might feel complicated. Perhaps you were punished every time you tried to set one. Maybe you were told your boundaries were “controlling,” “selfish,” or “too sensitive.” Or perhaps you lost touch with what your boundaries even are after years of having them violated, dismissed, and trampled.
Here’s what I want you to know: Boundaries aren’t just important in healing from narcissistic abuse—they’re essential. They’re not walls that keep love out. They’re the foundation that makes genuine love, safety, and authentic connection possible.
As a certified Somatic Trauma-Informed Coach, Hypnotherapist, and Brainspotting practitioner specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery, I’ve witnessed the transformative power of boundaries. This guide will help you understand why boundaries matter, how narcissistic abuse destroys them, and most importantly—how to rebuild them from the ground up.
What Are Boundaries (Really)?
Beyond the Definition
Boundaries are the invisible lines that define where you end and another person begins. They’re the limits you set to protect your physical space, emotional energy, time, values, and sense of self.
But boundaries are more than rules or restrictions. Boundaries are acts of self-respect. They communicate: “This is what feels safe to me. This is what I need. This is what I will and won’t accept.”
Healthy boundaries include:
Physical boundaries: Who can touch you, how close people can stand, whether you hug or shake hands, privacy in your living space
Emotional boundaries: Not taking responsibility for others’ feelings, not allowing others to control your emotions, protecting yourself from emotional manipulation
Time boundaries: How you spend your time, saying no to commitments that drain you, protecting rest and self-care time
Mental boundaries: Your right to your own thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and perspectives without being told they’re “wrong”
Material boundaries: How your belongings are treated, whether you lend money or possessions, financial autonomy
Sexual boundaries: What you’re comfortable with physically and sexually, consent, respect for your body
Why Boundaries Matter for Everyone
Even outside of abuse recovery, boundaries serve crucial functions:
- They preserve your energy and prevent burnout
- They foster authentic relationships based on mutual respect
- They protect your mental and physical health
- They allow you to honor your values and priorities
- They create space for you to know yourself
For trauma survivors, especially those healing from narcissistic abuse, boundaries become even more critical—they’re literally the difference between continued harm and genuine healing.
How Narcissistic Abuse Destroys Boundaries
The Systematic Dismantling
Narcissistic abuse doesn’t just violate boundaries—it systematically teaches you that having boundaries is wrong, selfish, or even abusive.
Early boundary violations: In the beginning, narcissists test your boundaries subtly. They show up unannounced, push for faster intimacy, ask invasive questions, or disregard small requests. When you don’t protest strongly enough, they learn: “This person’s boundaries are negotiable.”
Love-bombing confusion: During idealization, boundaries feel unnecessary because the narcissist seems to respect you completely. You let your guard down. The boundary violations that do occur get excused as “passion,” “intensity,” or “love.”
Punishment for boundaries: Once you try to set a boundary, the narcissist responds with:
- Rage or aggression
- Silent treatment or withdrawal of affection
- Guilt-tripping (“After everything I’ve done for you…”)
- Gaslighting (“You’re being ridiculous, I never did that”)
- Playing victim (“You’re so controlling/mean/cold”)
- Accusation reversal (“YOU’RE the one with boundary issues”)
Boundary erosion: Over time, you learn: “It’s easier to just let it go than deal with the reaction.” Your boundaries dissolve, one compromise at a time.
The Specific Ways Narcissists Violate Boundaries
Emotional boundaries: They make you responsible for their feelings (“You made me so angry”), invade your emotional space with constant drama, or deny you the right to your own emotions (“You’re too sensitive”).
Physical boundaries: They touch you when you’ve said no, go through your phone or belongings, show up uninvited, or control your physical appearance.
Time boundaries: They demand immediate responses, monopolize your time, create crises that require your attention, or become enraged when you have other commitments.
Mental boundaries: They tell you what to think, dismiss your opinions, gaslight your memories, or insist their version of reality is the only truth.
Financial boundaries: They control your money, pressure you to pay for things, take without asking, or sabotage your financial independence.
Sexual boundaries: They pressure, coerce, guilt-trip, or ignore your “no,” treating your body as their property.
The Internal Impact
After prolonged boundary violations, you experience:
Boundary confusion: You genuinely don’t know what healthy boundaries are anymore. What’s normal? What’s too much? You’ve lost your reference point.
Guilt and shame: You feel guilty for having needs, ashamed for wanting limits, selfish for prioritizing yourself.
Boundary paralysis: You freeze when someone crosses a line because you’ve been trained that speaking up makes things worse.
People-pleasing: To avoid conflict or abandonment, you say yes to everything and everyone.
Hypervigilance: You constantly monitor others’ reactions, adjusting your boundaries based on their comfort rather than your needs.
Loss of self: Without boundaries, you don’t know where you end and others begin. Your identity becomes enmeshed with pleasing others.
Why Boundaries Are Essential to Healing
The Foundation of Recovery
You cannot heal from narcissistic abuse without rebuilding boundaries. Here’s why:
Boundaries create safety: Your nervous system needs predictability and protection to come out of survival mode. Boundaries provide both.
Boundaries reclaim your identity: After losing yourself in the abuse, boundaries help you rediscover who you are—what you like, need, value, and want.
Boundaries stop re-traumatization: Without boundaries, you remain vulnerable to manipulation, whether from the same person or new people with similar patterns.
Boundaries build self-trust: Every time you honor a boundary, you prove to yourself: “I can protect me. I matter. My needs are valid.”
Boundaries enable authentic connection: Contrary to what narcissists taught you, boundaries don’t push people away. They create the safety necessary for genuine intimacy.
Boundaries as Nervous System Regulation
From a somatic perspective, boundaries are nervous system regulation tools. When you have clear boundaries:
- Your body feels less activated (fewer fight-or-flight responses)
- You experience less hypervigilance (constant threat scanning)
- You can access the ventral vagal state (calm, connected, safe)
- Your window of tolerance expands
- You sleep better, digest better, think more clearly
Without boundaries, your nervous system remains dysregulated—constantly braced for the next violation.
How to Rebuild Boundaries After Narcissistic Abuse
Start With Awareness
Before you can set boundaries, you need to know what yours are. Many abuse survivors have lost touch with their own limits.
Body-based boundary awareness: Your body knows your boundaries even when your mind has forgotten. Practice this:
- Notice when your body tenses, contracts, or feels uncomfortable around someone
- Pay attention to “gut feelings” of unease
- Observe when you feel energized versus drained
- Trust the signals: contraction means “no,” expansion means “yes”
Identify your non-negotiables: What absolutely must be true for you to feel safe? Examples:
- “I will not be yelled at”
- “I need advance notice before visits”
- “I require honesty in relationships”
- “My body is mine to control”
Notice boundary violations: Start tracking when people cross your boundaries—even small ones. This builds awareness.
Setting Boundaries: The Framework
Be clear and specific: Vague boundaries are easier to violate. Instead of “I need respect,” try “I need you to not raise your voice when we disagree.”
State your boundary calmly: You don’t need to justify, argue, defend, or explain (JADE). Simply state it: “I’m not available for calls after 9 PM.”
Communicate consequences: “If you continue to show up unannounced, I won’t answer the door.” Then follow through.
Start small: Practice with lower-stakes boundaries before the big ones. Say no to a small favor. Leave a gathering when you said you would.
Use “I” statements: “I need…” “I’m not comfortable with…” “I will…” This keeps focus on your needs, not their behavior.
Boundary Scripts That Work
For unsolicited advice:
- “I appreciate your concern, but I’ve got this handled.”
- “I’m not looking for advice right now.”
For invasive questions:
- “That’s personal. I’d rather not discuss it.”
- “I’m not comfortable sharing that.”
For pressure or manipulation:
- “I’ve made my decision.”
- “I’m not going to change my mind.”
- “This doesn’t work for me.”
For emotional dumping:
- “I don’t have the capacity for this right now.”
- “I need to take care of myself today.”
For violations in progress:
- “Please don’t do that.”
- “I need you to stop.”
- “This conversation is over.”
Handling Boundary Pushback
When you start setting boundaries after narcissistic abuse, expect resistance—from others and from yourself.
External pushback: People who benefited from your lack of boundaries will test them. They’ll:
- Push harder (“Just this once…”)
- Guilt-trip (“I thought you cared about me”)
- Gaslight (“You never had a problem with this before”)
- Accuse you of being selfish or changed
- Escalate to threats or manipulation
Your response: Hold firm. Repeat your boundary. Disengage if necessary. Remember: people who respect you will respect your boundaries. Those who don’t weren’t safe to begin with.
Internal resistance: You might experience:
- Guilt (“Am I being mean?”)
- Fear (“They’ll leave me”)
- Doubt (“Maybe I’m overreacting”)
- Anxiety (your nervous system expecting punishment)
Your response: This is your trauma talking, not truth. Your boundaries are valid. Discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re doing something new.
Special Considerations: No Contact and Low Contact
When the Boundary Is Distance
Sometimes the most important boundary with a narcissistic abuser is physical and emotional distance.
No Contact (NC): Complete cessation of communication. This is often necessary when:
- The abuse is severe or ongoing
- Contact consistently re-traumatizes you
- They refuse to respect any boundaries
- You need space to heal without interference
Low Contact (LC): Minimal, structured communication. Appropriate when:
- You share children or legal obligations
- Complete NC isn’t feasible
- You want to maintain connection with some family members
Gray Rock Method: When contact is necessary, become boring and uninteresting—provide minimal information, show no emotional reaction, be as dull as a gray rock so they lose interest in engaging.
Boundaries With Flying Monkeys
Narcissists often recruit others (flying monkeys) to pressure you, gather information, or relay messages. Your boundaries might include:
- “I don’t discuss [person] with others.”
- “Please don’t share information about me with [person].”
- “If you bring them up, I’ll end the conversation.”
Boundaries in New Relationships
Learning to Trust Your Boundaries Again
After narcissistic abuse, setting boundaries in new relationships feels terrifying. You might wonder:
- “Are my boundaries reasonable?”
- “Will they think I’m damaged?”
- “What if they leave because of my boundaries?”
Here’s the truth: Healthy people respect boundaries. People who push against your boundaries are showing you who they are—believe them.
Green Flags in Boundary Responses
Safe people respond to boundaries with:
- Respect: “Thank you for telling me. I’ll remember that.”
- Curiosity: “Can you help me understand what that looks like?”
- Accountability: “I’m sorry I crossed that line. It won’t happen again.”
- Consistency: They honor your boundary without needing constant reminders
Red Flags in Boundary Responses
Unsafe people respond with:
- Defensiveness: “Why are you being so difficult?”
- Minimizing: “You’re overreacting.”
- Boundary violations: Immediately testing or crossing the boundary
- Manipulation: Guilt, threats, silent treatment, or playing victim
Use these responses as information. They’re showing you whether they’re safe.
Somatic Practices for Boundary Strengthening
Body-Based Boundary Work
Your boundaries live in your body, not just your mind. These practices help embody your boundaries:
Physical boundary practice: Stand with your arms extended, palms out. Say aloud: “This is my space. This is my boundary.” Feel the strength in your body protecting your space.
Container visualization: Imagine a protective container around you—whatever feels safe (bubble, shield, force field). Practice feeling it throughout the day.
Grounding for boundary-setting: Before difficult conversations, ground yourself: feet on floor, deep breaths, hand on heart. This helps you stay regulated while holding your boundary.
Body scan for boundary violations: After interactions, scan your body. Where do you feel tension? That’s information about crossed boundaries.
Movement for reclaiming space: Dance, stretch, or move your body with the intention of reclaiming your physical space. This is especially powerful after enmeshment.
The Long Game: Boundaries as a Lifelong Practice
Healing Is Not Linear
Some days your boundaries will feel strong. Other days, you’ll struggle to hold them. This is normal.
Healing from narcissistic abuse means gradually expanding your capacity to:
- Recognize your boundaries
- Communicate them clearly
- Enforce them consistently
- Tolerate others’ discomfort with them
- Trust that you deserve them
Give yourself grace. You’re rewiring decades of conditioning. Every time you honor a boundary—no matter how small—you’re healing.
When to Seek Support
Working with a trauma-informed practitioner can accelerate boundary healing. Specialized support through:
Brainspotting: Helps process the trauma that makes boundary-setting feel dangerous, accessing and releasing stored nervous system activation
Somatic coaching: Teaches you to read your body’s boundary signals and stay grounded while enforcing limits
Hypnotherapy: Reframes subconscious beliefs about worthiness and deservingness of boundaries
IFS (Internal Family Systems): Helps you understand the parts of you that resist boundaries (often protective parts trying to keep you safe through compliance)
You don’t have to navigate this alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I set boundaries with a narcissist who ignores them?
You cannot make a narcissist respect your boundaries. What you can do is enforce consequences. State your boundary once, clearly. If they violate it, follow through with your consequence (ending the conversation, leaving, limiting contact). Focus on what YOU control—your responses and your distance—not on changing them.
Is it selfish to have boundaries after narcissistic abuse?
No. This is the lie narcissists taught you to keep you compliant. Boundaries are self-respect, not selfishness. Selfishness disregards others’ needs. Boundaries honor both your needs AND others’—they create the space for healthy, reciprocal relationships. You’re not being selfish; you’re being self-aware.
Why do I feel guilty when I set boundaries?
Guilt is a conditioned response from the abuse. You were punished (through rage, silent treatment, guilt-tripping) every time you had boundaries. Your nervous system learned: boundaries = danger/abandonment. This guilt doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong—it means your system is remembering past punishment. With practice and safe experiences, this guilt will decrease.
How do I know if my boundaries are reasonable or too rigid?
Healthy boundaries protect you without isolating you. They’re flexible based on trust and safety earned over time. If you’re asking this question, your boundaries are probably reasonable—narcissistic abuse often makes survivors second-guess their needs. A trauma-informed therapist can help you calibrate, but generally: if a boundary protects your wellbeing without punishing others, it’s healthy.
What if setting boundaries means losing relationships?
Any relationship that requires you to have no boundaries wasn’t a safe relationship. People who truly care about you will respect your limits. If setting boundaries causes someone to leave, they were only there because of your lack of boundaries. This is painful but clarifying—it shows you who was safe and who wasn’t.
Can I have boundaries and still be loving and kind?
Absolutely. In fact, boundaries ENABLE genuine kindness. Without boundaries, you give from depletion, resentment, and obligation—not from authentic generosity. Boundaries create the container where real love, care, and connection can flourish. The kindest thing you can do for yourself and others is have clear boundaries.
How long does it take to get comfortable setting boundaries?
There’s no fixed timeline. Most survivors notice significant progress within 6-12 months of consistent practice, but deeper comfort can take years. What matters is: Are you slightly more comfortable than you were three months ago? That’s progress. Be patient with yourself—you’re undoing years of conditioning.
Should I explain my boundaries or just state them?
With safe people, brief context can be helpful: “I need advance notice for visits because I need time to prepare mentally.” With unsafe people (including narcissists), don’t over-explain. Use the JADE principle: Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Simply state your boundary and enforce it. Explanations give manipulative people ammunition.
Your Boundaries, Your Healing
Rebuilding boundaries after narcissistic abuse isn’t just about saying no. It’s about reclaiming your right to take up space, have needs, feel feelings, and exist as a whole person separate from others’ demands.
Your boundaries are not punishment. They’re not walls. They’re not signs of damage.
They’re evidence that you’re healing. They’re proof that you’re choosing yourself. They’re the foundation on which you’ll build a life where you feel safe, respected, and genuinely loved.
You deserve boundaries. You deserve to be honored. You deserve relationships where your “no” is respected just as much as your “yes.”
And every time you honor a boundary—no matter how small, no matter how uncomfortable—you’re telling yourself: “I matter. My needs matter. I am worth protecting.”
That’s not selfishness. That’s healing. 💛
If you would like support in your healing journey, book a free discovery call. I’d love to get to know you and answer any question you have. Healing from narcissistic abuse can be a huge challenge, you don’t have to do it alone.
If you’d like to read more about this topic:
The Grey rock method after emotional abuse – Self love after abuse
The secret of setting boundaries after narcissistic abuse – Salltsisters
