You understand intellectually that the relationship was toxic, that they hurt you, that you deserve better.
So why do you feel like you’re mourning a death?
Why do you miss them when you know what they did to you? Why do you cry over someone who manipulated, gaslighted, or emotionally devastated you? Why does your heart ache for a person who caused so much pain?
If you’re asking yourself “Why do I miss my abuser?” or “Is it normal to grieve after leaving abuse?”—the answer is: Yes. What you’re experiencing is real grief, and it’s one of the most misunderstood parts of recovering from emotional abuse. The thing is you are not just grieving the person you imagined them to be. You are also grieving a version of you that you could have been and the time you missed out on because of this abuse.
As a certified Somatic Trauma-Informed Coach, Hypnotherapist, and Brainspotting practitioner specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery, I’ve witnessed countless women struggle with this hidden grief. This guide will help you understand what you’re grieving, why it’s normal, and how to process this complex loss with compassion.
Understanding Grief After Emotional Abuse
This Isn’t “Regular” Grief
When someone dies, society understands your grief. People send flowers, offer condolences, give you space to mourn. There are rituals, timelines, and collective acknowledgment of your loss.
But when you leave an abusive relationship, there’s no funeral. No sympathy cards. Often, there’s confusion—from others and from yourself.
People might say:
- “You should be relieved!”
- “Why are you sad? They were terrible to you.”
- “Just move on already.”
- “At least you’re free now.”
And a part of you agrees. You should be relieved. You are free. But that doesn’t erase the aching, confusing grief that sits in your chest.
This is grief after abuse—and it’s uniquely complex.
What Makes Grief After Abuse Different
Unlike typical grief where you mourn what you had and lost, grief after abuse involves mourning what you never actually had but desperately believed was real.
You’re not just grieving the relationship ending. You’re grieving:
The person you thought they were: The charming, attentive, loving person from the beginning who made you feel seen, special, chosen. That person never truly existed, it was a mask, a performance designed to hook you. But your love for that version was real.
The future you imagined: The life you planned together, the dreams you shared, the partnership you believed you were building. All of it evaporated, replaced by the reality of manipulation and control.
The version of yourself you lost: Before the abuse, you were different—more confident, more trusting, more joyful. You’re grieving who you were before trauma changed you.
The time you can’t get back: Months or years invested in someone who was never who they claimed to be. That time is gone, and with it, opportunities, experiences, and parts of your life you can’t reclaim.
The illusion of being loved: You thought you were cherished, valued, truly seen. Discovering it was conditional, manipulative, or entirely fabricated is a devastating loss.
This is ambiguous loss: mourning something that never truly existed while simultaneously mourning what did exist (the hope, the effort, the love you gave).
Why Do I Miss My Abuser? Understanding the Paradox
It’s Not Actually Them You Miss
This might be hard to hear, but it’s liberating once you understand it: You don’t miss your abuser. You miss the illusion they created.
You miss:
- The idealized version from the love-bombing phase
- The hope that they would change back into that person
- The future you believed was possible
- Feeling special, chosen, deeply connected (even if it was manufactured)
- The familiarity, even if it was painful
- Not being alone
- The highs of the trauma bond (the relief after conflict, the intensity)
You’re not weak or foolish for missing them. You’re human. Your brain formed powerful neurochemical bonds—similar to addiction—during the relationship. The intermittent reinforcement (unpredictable kindness mixed with cruelty) created an intense attachment.
The Neurochemistry of Missing Your Abuser
Trauma bonding creates biochemical addiction. During the idealization phase and moments of reconciliation, your brain released dopamine and oxytocin—bonding and reward chemicals. During devaluation and abuse, these chemicals were withheld, creating desperate craving.
This cycle mimics drug addiction. When you leave, you experience withdrawal. The ache, the obsessive thoughts, the pull to return aren’t character flaws. They’re your brain craving the chemical cocktail it became dependent on.
Understanding this removes shame. You’re not “stupid” for missing them. Your nervous system is going through withdrawal from a powerful biochemical bond.
Is It Normal to Grieve After Leaving Abuse?
Yes! And It’s Actually Essential
Not only is grief after leaving abuse normal, it’s a necessary part of healing.
Grief means you’re processing reality. You’re letting go of the fantasy and accepting the truth. This is painful, but it’s movement. Resistance to grief keeps you stuck; allowing it moves you forward.
Grief is not weakness. It’s evidence that:
- You loved deeply (even if the person wasn’t worthy)
- You’re facing reality instead of staying in denial
- You’re processing complex emotions rather than numbing them
- You’re human with a heart that hoped for love
What You’re Allowed to Grieve
You have permission to grieve all of it:
The good moments – Yes, even abusers have moments of kindness or connection. Those moments were real to you, and you can grieve their loss without negating the abuse.
The version of them you loved – The person from the beginning, the person you thought would return. Even though they were never real, your feelings for them were.
Your innocence and trust – Before abuse, you believed people were who they said they were. You could trust openly. That innocence is gone, and it deserves mourning.
Your time and energy – All you invested—emotional labor, compromises, hope, effort. That’s a real loss.
The life you didn’t live – While entangled with them, you missed opportunities, friendships, experiences. You get to grieve what could have been.
Your pre-abuse self – The you who laughed easily, trusted quickly, felt safe in love. Even as you become someone stronger, you can grieve who you were.
The Stages of Grief After Emotional Abuse
Grief after abuse doesn’t follow neat stages, but you might recognize these experiences:
Denial and Disbelief
“Maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I overreacted. Maybe they’ll change.”
In the beginning, your mind struggles to reconcile the person you loved with the person who hurt you. You might minimize the abuse, make excuses, or fantasize about reconciliation. This is your psyche protecting you from the full weight of truth all at once.
Bargaining
“If I had just been more understanding, less sensitive, more patient…”
You replay the relationship, trying to find where you could have fixed it. You blame yourself, believing that if you had been different, the abuse wouldn’t have happened. This gives you a false sense of control. If it was your fault, you could have prevented it.
But abuse is never the victim’s fault. This bargaining is your mind trying to make sense of senseless cruelty.
Anger
“How dare they? After everything I gave, everything I sacrificed!”
Eventually, the anger comes; at them, at yourself, at the time wasted, at the lies believed. This anger is healthy. It’s your self-worth waking up, saying “I deserved better.” Let yourself feel it without shame.
Anger is not the opposite of healing. It’s often a necessary step toward it.
Sadness and Despair
“I’ll never trust again. I’ll never feel whole. Love isn’t safe.”
This is the deepest grief—the profound sadness of facing what you lost and what was never real. You might feel hopeless, exhausted, like you’ll never heal. This darkness feels permanent, but it’s not. It’s the valley you must walk through to reach the other side.
Acceptance
“It happened. It was real. It hurt me. And I’m going to be okay.”
Acceptance isn’t saying the abuse was okay or forgiving the abuser. It’s acknowledging reality without resistance. You integrate the truth: they were who they were, the relationship ended, you’re changed but healing. Hope begins returning here.
These stages don’t happen once or linearly. You’ll cycle through them repeatedly, sometimes multiple times in a single day. That’s normal.
How to Process Grief After Emotional Abuse
1. Allow Yourself to Feel Without Judgment
Your feelings don’t need to make logical sense. You can simultaneously feel relief and devastation, anger and longing, freedom and loss.
Practice: When grief arises, place a hand on your heart and say: “This feeling is welcome here. I’m allowed to grieve. My feelings are valid.”
Don’t rush yourself or force positivity. Grief needs space to move through you.
2. Separate the Fantasy from the Reality
Create two lists:
The Person I Thought They Were: List qualities, moments, promises from the idealization phase.
Who They Actually Were: List behaviors, patterns, how they made you feel in reality.
This exercise helps your brain reconcile the cognitive dissonance. You’re grieving the first list (the fantasy) while acknowledging the second (reality).
3. Write an Unsent Letter
Write everything you wish you could say; the hurt, the anger, the confusion, the goodbye to who you thought they were.
Don’t send it. This is for you, not them. The act of externalizing grief helps process it. When finished, you can burn it, bury it, or keep it. Whatever feels right.
4. Ritual for Closure
Grief needs markers. Create a personal ritual to honor your loss:
- Light a candle and speak aloud what you’re releasing
- Write what you’re grieving on paper and release it into water or fire
- Create a symbolic burial of mementos
- Plant something new to represent growth from this ending
Rituals signal to your subconscious: “This chapter is closing. I’m ready to move forward.”
5. Feel It in Your Body
Grief isn’t just emotional, it’s somatic. It lives in your chest, your throat, your belly.
Somatic grief practices:
- Cry: Tears release stress hormones. Let them come without resistance.
- Move: Dance, shake, walk—movement helps grief move through you rather than getting stuck.
- Sound: Wail, scream into a pillow, make any sound that wants to emerge.
- Breathe: Deep, intentional breathing, especially long exhales, helps process grief somatically.
Your body holds grief. Give it ways to release.
6. Challenge the Intrusive “Missing Them” Thoughts
When you find yourself idealizing them or wanting to reach out:
Ask yourself:
- “Am I missing them, or missing the fantasy?”
- “Am I missing them, or missing not being alone?”
- “Would I actually want them back as they truly were?”
- “What am I really craving right now…comfort, connection, familiarity?”
Then find healthy ways to meet that actual need.
7. Grieve With Support
Grief in isolation becomes toxic. Share your grief with safe people who understand abuse:
- Support groups for narcissistic abuse survivors
- Trauma-informed therapist or coach
- Friends who’ve experienced similar losses
- Online communities where your experience is validated
You might need witnesses to your grief; people who won’t rush you or judge you for mourning someone who hurt you.
The Role of Professional Support in Grief Processing
Why Specialized Support Matters
Grief after abuse is complex and often misunderstood. Working with someone who specializes in emotional abuse recovery ensures:
- Your grief is validated, not pathologized
- You’re not rushed through “stages”
- The ambiguity and complexity are held with understanding
- You process without re-traumatizing yourself
How Trauma-Informed Modalities Support Grief
Brainspotting: Accesses and processes grief stored at subcortical levels. Often, grief is held in your nervous system, not just your conscious mind. Brainspotting helps your brain release this stored grief, bringing profound relief.
Somatic Coaching: Helps you process grief through your body, releasing what’s stuck. Grief needs to move and somatic work provides pathways for that movement.
Hypnotherapy: Accesses subconscious beliefs about loss, attachment, and worthiness. It helps reframe the narratives keeping you stuck in grief and installs new beliefs supporting your healing.
Grief-Informed Coaching: Provides structure, validation, and tools specifically for processing this unique loss. You learn to hold multiple truths: the abuse was real AND you can grieve the loss.
What Comes After Grief
Grief Isn’t Linear—But It Does Transform
You won’t wake up one day with grief completely gone. But gradually, you’ll notice:
- The waves of grief come less frequently
- The intensity decreases
- You can think about them without falling apart
- The fantasy loses its grip on you
- You stop checking their social media
- You feel more present in your actual life
- Joy returns in small, surprising moments
- You can imagine a future without them in it
This is integration—not forgetting, but weaving the experience into your story without it consuming you.
Who You Become Through Grief
Grief, when processed with support and self-compassion, transforms you. You don’t return to who you were before abuse—you become someone new:
- Stronger boundaries and deeper self-trust
- Clarity about red flags and green flags
- Compassion for yourself and your journey
- Ability to hold complexity and nuance
- Wisdom about love, relationships, and your own worth
The person you thought they were is gone. But the person you’re becoming? She’s remarkable.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I miss my abuser even though I know they hurt me?
You’re not missing your actual abuser; you’re missing the idealized version they presented during love-bombing, the fantasy of who you hoped they’d become, or the chemical bond created through trauma bonding. Your brain formed powerful neurochemical attachments (similar to addiction) through intermittent reinforcement. Missing them doesn’t mean you’re weak; it means you’re human and experiencing withdrawal from a powerful bond.
Is it normal to grieve after leaving an abusive relationship?
Yes, completely normal and actually essential for healing. You’re grieving multiple losses: the person you thought they were, the future you imagined, the time invested, your pre-abuse self, and the illusion of being loved. This grief is complex because you’re mourning something that never truly existed alongside what did exist (your hope, effort, and love). Allowing this grief is necessary for processing reality and moving forward.
How long does grief after abuse last?
There’s no fixed timeline. Some experience intense grief for weeks or months; others grieve in waves for years. Grief after abuse is rarely linear. You’ll have good days and then suddenly be hit with sadness again. What matters is: Are the waves becoming less frequent and less intense over time? With support and processing, most people find significant relief within 6-12 months, though gentler waves may continue longer.
Why do I feel guilty for grieving someone who abused me?
Because society doesn’t understand the complexity of abuse. People expect you to feel only relief and anger, but grief is natural when you loved someone, even if they were abusive. You can simultaneously know they hurt you AND grieve the loss. These aren’t contradictory. The guilt comes from believing you “should” feel differently, but your feelings are valid regardless of their behavior.
How do I stop idealizing my abuser?
Keep a reality list; write down specific abusive behaviors, how they made you feel, patterns that emerged. When you find yourself idealizing, read this list to ground yourself in truth. Practice asking: “Am I remembering reality or the fantasy?” Work with a trauma-informed practitioner to process the cognitive dissonance between who they pretended to be and who they actually were.
Can I grieve and still move forward?
Absolutely. Grief doesn’t keep you stuck—resistance to grief does. Allowing yourself to feel and process grief actually moves you forward. You don’t have to “finish” grieving before living your life. Healing and grief coexist. You can grieve the past while building your future simultaneously.
What if I want to contact them during grief?
This urge is normal but often comes from wanting comfort or closure. Remember: the person who hurt you cannot heal the wound they created. Before reaching out, ask yourself what you’re truly seeking (comfort, validation, connection) and find healthy ways to meet that need. Talk to a friend, journal, practice self-soothing. The urge will pass.
How do I know if I’m grieving or still trauma-bonded?
Healthy grief involves accepting reality, processing emotions, and gradually moving forward. Trauma bonding involves obsessive thoughts, inability to acknowledge abuse, making excuses for them, or planning ways to return. If you’re questioning whether the abuse happened or believing they’ll change, that’s trauma bonding. If you’re acknowledging the abuse while feeling sad about the loss, that’s grief. Working with a specialist helps clarify this.
Your Grief Is Valid
You loved someone who hurt you. You hoped for something that was never real. You invested in a future that evaporated. You lost time, innocence, trust, and parts of yourself.
All of that deserves to be mourned.
You don’t have to justify your grief or explain it away. You don’t have to “get over it” on anyone else’s timeline. You don’t have to feel only anger or only relief.
Especially survivors of narcissistic abuse, who had to hide their emotions out of safety reasons, often find it hard to allow themselves to grieve. It feels “easier” to just move on. However, this grief keeps us stuck on a somatic level.
As a trauma-informed coach specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery, I provide grief-informed support through somatic practices, Brainspotting, and hypnotherapy. Together, we create a safe space for your grief while guiding you toward healing and wholeness.
You don’t have to grieve alone. When you are ready to find out how I can help you, book your free discovery call here.
If you’d like to read more about grieving after narcissistic/emotional abuse:
* The Weight of Invisible Grief; Understanding Ambiguous Loss – VOX Mental Health
* Complicated Grief. When Loss Keeps Hurting Long After It’s Over – Safe Space Counseling Service
* Complicated Grief: Healing After Narciiistic Abuse When No one Understands – Ellen Tift
