Do you look in the mirror and not recognize the person staring back? Do you struggle to remember what you liked, what made you happy, or what you believed before the abuse?
Have you found yourself asking “Who am I really?” or “How do I rebuild my self-esteem?” feeling like you’ve lost yourself completely in the relationship or even in life?
For many the abuse started in their childhood, which makes the search for who you really are even more difficult. Unsafe or dysfunctional families makes you take on a role from a young age, the rescuer, the comedian to make everyone happy, the people pleaser not to step on anyone’s toes. All these roles may have stood in the way of developing you true authentic self.
You’re not imagining it. Emotional abuse systematically dismantles your sense of self. Through criticism, control, gaslighting, and manipulation, abusers erode your identity until you become a shell of who you once were—or never discover who you could have become.
As a certified Somatic Trauma-Informed Coach, Hypnotherapist, and Brainspotting practitioner specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery, I’ve guided countless women through the profound journey of reclaiming their identity. This guide will show you how emotional abuse steals your sense of self, why you feel lost, and most importantly—how to rediscover and rebuild the authentic you.
Understanding Identity Loss After Emotional Abuse
What Is Identity Loss?
Identity loss is the gradual erosion of your sense of self—your values, preferences, beliefs, goals, boundaries, and the essence of who you are. After emotional abuse, you may feel:
- Like a stranger to yourself
- Unable to make decisions without second-guessing
- Disconnected from your interests, passions, or desires
- Uncertain about what you actually think or feel
- Like you’re performing a role rather than being yourself
- Empty, hollow, or without purpose
- Dependent on others to define you
This isn’t just “low self-esteem.” It’s a fundamental disconnection from your core self.
How Emotional Abuse Destroys Your Identity
Narcissistic and emotional abusers don’t just hurt you—they systematically dismantle who you are. Here’s how:
Criticism and belittling: Constant put-downs about your appearance, intelligence, choices, or personality teach you: “Who I am is wrong. I need to be different.”
Isolation: Cutting you off from friends, family, and activities you loved removes the external mirrors that reflect who you are. Without these connections, you lose touch with yourself.
Gaslighting: When your reality, memories, and perceptions are constantly denied, you stop trusting your own mind. If you can’t trust your thoughts, how can you know who you are?
Control and micromanagement: When someone else dictates what you wear, eat, do, think, or feel, you stop making authentic choices. Without choice, there’s no self-expression.
Conditional approval: You learn that love and acceptance depend on being who THEY want you to be. So you contort yourself, abandoning your authentic self to earn scraps of approval.
Enmeshment: The abuser blurs boundaries until you don’t know where they end and you begin. Your thoughts, feelings, and identity become entangled with theirs.
Over time, these tactics create identity erosion—the slow disappearance of YOU.
Why Identity Loss Happens
During prolonged emotional abuse, your survival brain takes over. When your sense of self threatens your safety (because being yourself triggers abuse), your psyche suppresses it. You learn:
“Being me = danger. Disappearing = survival.”
This is an adaptive response to threat. But it leaves you feeling like a ghost in your own life.
Who Am I After Emotional Abuse? The Questions You’re Asking
The Disorientation of Freedom
After leaving abuse, many survivors experience profound disorientation. You’re finally free—but freedom feels terrifying because you don’t know who the free “you” is.
Common questions:
- What do I actually like vs. what did I pretend to like?
- What are MY opinions separate from theirs?
- What do I want to do with my life?
- What makes me happy?
- What are my values?
- Who would I be if I’d never met them?
These questions aren’t signs of weakness. They’re evidence that you’re ready to rebuild.
The Grief of Lost Time
Part of identity loss is grieving who you might have become if abuse hadn’t interrupted your development. You may mourn:
- The years spent suppressing yourself
- Opportunities you didn’t pursue
- Relationships you didn’t build
- Dreams you abandoned
- The person you were before trauma changed you
This grief is valid and deserves space.
How Do I Rebuild My Self-Esteem? The Foundation of Identity
Understanding Self-Esteem vs. Identity
Self-esteem is how you value yourself. Identity is who you are. After abuse, both are damaged—but they heal differently.
Rebuilding self-esteem means learning: “I am worthy, valuable, and deserving.”
Reclaiming identity means discovering: “This is who I am—my values, passions, beliefs, essence.”
You need both. Self-esteem gives you permission to exist; identity gives you substance.
Why Self-Esteem Gets Destroyed in Emotional Abuse
Abusers systematically attack your self-worth through:
Devaluation: Treating you as worthless, incompetent, or burdensome
Comparison: Highlighting others who are “better” than you
Blame-shifting: Making everything your fault, teaching you you’re the problem
Withholding affection: Conditional love that says you’re only worthy when you comply
Crazy-making: Gaslighting that makes you doubt your competence and sanity
After absorbing these messages for months or years, you internalize them. The abuser’s voice becomes your inner critic.
Rebuilding Self-Esteem: The First Steps
1. Separate their voice from yours
Notice when you think “I’m not good enough” or “I always mess up.” Ask: “Is this MY voice, or is this their voice I’ve internalized?”
Practice: When you hear harsh self-criticism, respond: “That’s what THEY taught me to believe. It’s not truth.”
2. Collect evidence of your worth
Your brain is wired for negativity bias—it remembers criticism more than praise. Actively counter this by documenting:
- Things you did well today (even small things)
- Compliments or positive feedback you received
- Moments you honored your boundaries
- Times your instincts were right
Keep a “self-worth evidence journal” and review it when self-doubt strikes.
3. Practice self-compassion
Talk to yourself like you would a dear friend. When you make a mistake, instead of “I’m so stupid,” try: “I’m learning. Mistakes are part of growth. I’m doing my best.”
Self-compassion isn’t self-indulgence. It’s treating yourself with the kindness you deserve.
4. Set and honor micro-commitments
Each time you keep a promise to yourself—drinking water, taking a walk, resting when tired—you prove to yourself: “I matter. My needs matter. I can trust myself.”
This rebuilds both self-esteem and self-trust.
Reclaiming Your Identity: The Journey of Self-Discovery
Stage 1: Assessment – Where Did I Go?
Before rebuilding, you need to understand what was lost.
Reflective questions:
- Pre-abuse: Who was I before the relationship? What brought me joy? What were my values, dreams, interests?
- During abuse: What parts of myself did I suppress? What did I stop doing? What did I pretend to like or believe?
- Now: What feels authentic vs. performed? What do I genuinely want vs. what I think I “should” want?
Practice: The Two Lists Exercise
List 1 – “Who They Wanted Me to Be”: Write everything you became to please them or avoid conflict.
List 2 – “Who I Actually Am”: Write anything that feels authentically YOU, even if small or uncertain.
The gap between these lists shows you what needs reclaiming.
Stage 2: Exploration – Trying On Different Versions
After abuse, you might not immediately know who you are. That’s okay. Identity is discovered through exploration, not revelation.
Permission to experiment:
Try activities, hobbies, styles, beliefs—not to find the “right” one, but to notice what resonates.
- Take a class in something you’ve always been curious about
- Try different music, food, art, books
- Explore spiritual practices, political views, philosophies
- Change your style—hair, clothes, aesthetics
- Say yes to invitations (even if you’re not sure)
- Say no to things that feel wrong (even if you “should” like them)
Pay attention to what makes you feel EXPANSIVE (energized, alive, curious) vs. CONTRACTING (drained, small, obligated).
Your body knows your authentic self better than your mind does right now.
Stage 3: Reconnection – Remembering Who You Were
Some of your identity isn’t new, it’s reclaimed. Reconnecting with your pre-abuse self can be powerful.
Practices:
Photo exploration: Look at photos from before abuse. What do you notice about that person? What did they love? What brought them joy?
Childhood passions: What did you love as a child before you learned to be “appropriate”? Drawing? Dancing? Building? Pretending? Can you give yourself permission to do those things again?
Pre-abuse friendships: Reconnect with people who knew you before. Ask them: “How did you experience me? What do you remember about who I was?”
These external mirrors can help you remember forgotten parts of yourself.
Stage 4: Integration – Becoming Whole Again
Reclaiming identity isn’t about returning to who you were OR completely erasing that person. It’s integration—honoring who you were, acknowledging who you became through trauma, and choosing who you want to be moving forward.
You are:
- The person you were before (innocent, hopeful)
- The person trauma shaped (resilient, aware)
- The person you’re choosing to become (empowered, authentic)
All of these are you. The goal isn’t to erase your history—it’s to integrate it into a cohesive, authentic whole.
Practical Tools for Identity Reclamation
1. Values Clarification
After abuse, you may have lost touch with your core values. Clarifying them gives you a compass.
Exercise: Review this list of values and circle 5-7 that resonate deeply:
Authenticity, Freedom, Creativity, Peace, Adventure, Connection, Independence, Growth, Honesty, Compassion, Justice, Joy, Simplicity, Courage, Wisdom, Beauty, Community, Solitude
Then ask: Am I living aligned with these values? If not, what needs to change?
Your values are YOUR North Star—not theirs.
2. Somatic Identity Work
Your identity lives in your body, not just your mind. Connecting with your body helps you access your authentic self.
Body-based practices:
Movement as expression: Dance, yoga, or free movement. Notice: What movements feel authentic? What feels forced or performed?
Body scanning for authenticity: When making decisions, notice your body’s response. Does it expand or contract? Your body knows what’s truly you.
Breathwork for presence: When you’re present in your body, you’re present to yourself. Practice 10 minutes of conscious breathing daily.
Somatic boundaries: Practice physically embodying boundaries—arms extended, saying “no” aloud, feeling your personal space. This helps you reclaim your sense of separate self.
3. Creative Expression
Creativity bypasses the rational mind and accesses your authentic voice.
Practices:
- Free writing: Write without censoring for 10 minutes daily. What emerges?
- Art without agenda: Paint, draw, collage—not to make something “good” but to express
- Music exploration: Create playlists that reflect your actual taste
- Vision boarding: Create a visual representation of who you’re becoming
Creativity doesn’t need to be “good.” It needs to be YOURS.
4. Boundary Practice
Boundaries are where your identity begins—they define where you end and others begin.
Practice saying:
- “I don’t like that.”
- “That doesn’t work for me.”
- “I need time to think about it.”
- “My preference is…”
- “I’ve decided…”
Each boundary you set is an act of identity reclamation. You’re saying: “This is who I am. This is what I need. This matters.”
5. Decision-Making Practice
After abuse, even small decisions can feel overwhelming. Practice making choices without seeking approval.
Start small:
- Choose your meal without asking others
- Pick a movie based on what YOU want
- Decide how to spend your free time
- Choose your clothes based on your preference
Each autonomous decision rebuilds your sense of agency and self.
Working With a Coach: Accelerating Identity Reclamation
Why Professional Support Matters
Reclaiming your identity after abuse is profound work. A trauma-informed coach provides:
Safe space to explore: Without judgment or pressure to be “fixed”
External perspective: Helping you see patterns and strengths you can’t see in yourself
Accountability: Supporting you in trying new things, setting boundaries, honoring commitments to yourself
Tools and structure: Providing frameworks and practices that accelerate discovery
Witness to your becoming: Someone who sees and reflects your authentic self as it emerges
How Specialized Modalities Support Identity Work
Brainspotting: Accesses and releases the trauma that keeps you from accessing your authentic self. When trauma is processed, your true identity can emerge.
Hypnotherapy: Works with your subconscious to release limiting beliefs installed by abuse (“I’m not enough,” “My needs don’t matter”) and install empowering ones (“I am worthy,” “My authentic self is valuable”).
Somatic Coaching: Helps you reconnect with your body’s wisdom—the part of you that knows your authentic desires, boundaries, and truth.
Empowerment Coaching: Provides structure, tools, and support specifically for self-discovery after abuse. You’re guided through values clarification, goal setting, boundary building, and authentic self-expression.
The Person You’re Becoming
Beyond Recovery to Rediscovery
Healing from identity loss isn’t about “recovery”—returning to who you were before. It’s about discovery—becoming who you were always meant to be.
You’re not broken. You’re becoming.
And the person emerging? She’s:
- Clear about her values and boundaries
- Connected to her desires and needs
- Confident in her voice and choices
- Compassionate toward herself
- Courageous in her authenticity
- Free from the need for external validation
This version of you was always there. Abuse just kept her hidden. Now you’re excavating, rediscovering, reclaiming.
Permission to Be Messy
You won’t wake up one day with your identity fully formed. This is messy, non-linear work.
Some days you’ll feel clear and confident. Others, completely lost.
You’ll try things and realize they’re not you. That’s data, not failure.
You’ll set boundaries and feel guilty. That’s normal, not regression.
You’ll have moments of profound clarity and moments of total confusion.
All of it is part of the process.
Frequently Asked Questions
Who am I after emotional abuse?
You’re in the process of rediscovering this. After abuse, it’s normal to feel disconnected from yourself because abusers systematically erode your identity through criticism, control, gaslighting, and conditioning. Who you are isn’t lost—it’s buried under layers of survival adaptations. Through exploration, reconnection with your values, boundary setting, and somatic practices, you’ll rediscover your authentic self. This isn’t about returning to who you were before, it’s about becoming who you’re meant to be.
How do I rebuild my self-esteem after narcissistic abuse?
Start by separating the abuser’s internalized voice from your own truth. Keep an evidence journal of your worth (accomplishments, kindness, boundaries honored). Practice self-compassion—speak to yourself like a friend. Set and honor micro-commitments to prove you can trust yourself. Challenge beliefs installed by abuse with evidence of your actual worth. Work with a trauma-informed practitioner to process the shame and worthlessness messages at a deep level. Self-esteem rebuilds through consistent self-honoring actions, not positive thinking alone.
How long does it take to find yourself after emotional abuse?
There’s no fixed timeline. Some people notice shifts within months; for others, it’s years of exploration. What matters is direction, not speed. Are you slightly more connected to yourself than three months ago? That’s progress. Deep identity reclamation often takes 1-2 years of consistent self-discovery work, though you’ll experience meaningful moments of clarity much sooner. Be patient, you’re not just healing, you’re becoming.
Why don’t I know what I like or want anymore?
Because abuse conditions you to suppress your authentic preferences. When expressing your true self triggered criticism, control, or punishment, your psyche learned to hide it for survival. Your likes, wants, and needs are still there, they’re just buried. Rediscovering them requires safe exploration: trying things, noticing your body’s response (expansion vs. contraction), and giving yourself permission to have preferences again without needing approval.
Can I reclaim my identity without therapy or coaching?
You can begin self-discovery through journaling, values clarification, trying new activities, and reconnecting with pre-abuse parts of yourself. However, working with a trauma-informed coach or therapist significantly accelerates the process. They provide external perspective, help you see patterns you can’t see alone, hold space for your becoming, and offer specialized tools for deep identity work. If professional support isn’t accessible now, start with what you can do, and seek support when possible.
How do I know if I’m being authentic or just creating another false self?
This is a nuanced question. Notice: Does this version of you feel EXPANSIVE (energizing, freeing, true) or CONTRACTING (draining, obligatory, performed)? Are you choosing this because it feels right, or because you think you “should”? Are you trying to please others or honoring yourself? Your body knows the difference, expansion and ease indicate authenticity; tension and performance indicate false self. It’s also okay to experiment—not every version you try will be “the real you.” That’s discovery.
What if I discover I don’t like who I am?
This is common and completely workable. First, separate “who you are” (your essence, values, capacity for growth) from “who you’ve been conditioned to be” (survival patterns, trauma responses, internalized messages). You’re not disliking your authentic self, you’re recognizing patterns that don’t serve you. These can change. You have agency to choose who you become. Work with a coach or therapist to identify what you want to shift and develop new patterns aligned with your values.
Why do I feel like I’m performing even when I’m alone?
Because abuse taught you that being yourself was dangerous, you developed a performed self to stay safe. This performance became so habitual that you lost touch with your authentic self. Even alone, you’re “watching yourself” through the critical eyes you internalized. Healing this requires somatic work to feel safe being yourself, self-compassion to soften the inner critic, and gradual experiments with authenticity. Over time, the performance falls away and presence emerges.
You’re Not Lost. You’re Becoming
The person you were before abuse? She had value.
The person trauma shaped you into? She was strong enough to survive.
The person you’re becoming? She’s wiser, fiercer, and more authentically herself than you’ve ever been.
You’re not starting over. You’re starting NEW.
This isn’t a return journey. It’s a discovery mission.
And every time you honor a boundary, express a preference, try something new, or simply ask yourself “What do I actually want?” You’re reclaiming yourself.
One choice at a time. One authentic moment at a time. One brave act of self-expression at a time.
You are not lost. You are becoming. And the person you’re becoming is absolutely worth the journey. 💛
As a trauma-informed empowerment coach specializing in identity reclamation after narcissistic abuse, I guide women through self-discovery using somatic practices, Brainspotting, hypnotherapy, IFS and values-based coaching. Together, we uncover who you truly are beneath the layers of survival and conditioning.
You don’t have to rediscover yourself alone. If you’d like to know what I can do for you, book your free discovery call.
If you’ like to read more about this topic:
7 Signs That You Have Empty Feelings – Jonice Webb Ph,D Psychology Today
When Trauma Becomes Your Story: How to Reclaim Your Identity After Abuse – dr Kate Truitt
